Posted by Ian Watson
Filed in Arts & Culture
Right! Step away from the phone! I don't care if your colon has prolapsed and you're trying to book the last ambulance in town that offers a 'face down' service, or you've figured out the answer to the ad break question on
Loose women- do not touch that phone until I've had every single one dusted for prints and carbon dated to last Saturday night.
Who, in the name of all that is audible, voted for Tyler over Jaz? Come on! You must be out there, pulling the wadding out from between your redundant ears to buff your Amy Winehouse CDs with. Who amongst you thought his impression of a twelve year old boy in the throes of pubic upheaval was better than someone of such vocal stature, maturity, control and depth as my best friend? "Mamma, I just killed a song..."
I'm calling Jaz my best friend, and I suggest you start doing the same, because even though I've never actually met him, he's touched my heart and that's got to count for something, right?
I realise that it wasn't as simple as that.
I get that it wasn't a case of Tyler verses Jaz when the options to vote were given on the BBC's switchboard. The whole concept of elimination being 'team based' is an utterly pointless feature of this show that has been around since it began, in spite of Jessie's refusal to accept that winning for one means losing for another. It was because of this completely mindless element of the show that Max wasn't against the likes of Tyler, Vince and Becky who he is clearly far more talented than, but Bo, who he is on a par with. This is 'The Voice' not some school rounders team selection process. Similarly we had Ruth, the force of nature, against Leanne.
I like both but prefer Ruth by a smidge but shouting that the premise of the show is utter nonsense has turned me into Will.i.am- saying the exact same thing in mildly different ways every week until nobody is listening and he's forced to do a really poor impression of a Frenchman that wouldn't look out of place in a Jim Davidson panto.
WILL-SAY JUST ONE THING DIFFERENT TO 'DOPE'! PLEASE!
When this thing began I was impressed with Will's unique style of commentary. Saying that, I thought the first 'magic eye' picture I ever saw was amazing- dope, even. Very soon they were annoying, mass produced tat with nothing new to offer and yet they still made this week's appearance by someone clearly bitter with bored disdain look like the boat trip in Willy Wonka's factory.
The problem is that this is just another talent show and, like all that have gone before it, it's all about votes and elimination and competition. Every person who's lack of public popularity was painfully demonstrated is weekend was treated like we all have been from the start: told one thing and given something else.
I've commented many times on here how these amateur singers in a singing contest have been, in varying degrees of subtlety, promised world domination and long lasting careers when its just not true. It's particularly cruel when you get coaches feeling obliged to stand next to an 'evictee' and say, "This isn't the last we'll see of..." and then say a name that nobody but their immediate family will ever hear again.
Jessie told Becky Pollard she can't wait to go to her concerts once she's a 'world wide superstar'. Well, I'm no @westendproducer let alone a Quincy Jones or even a Simon Cowell, but if someone's being kicked out of a reality tv show because of a lack of popularity then I'm guessing they're not going to be selling out Wembley any day soon.
[It's a general point so please keep SUBO and JLS to yourselves, you know what I'm getting at!]
I know I'm generalising and am even contradicting my own view of the massive talent that Ruth and Jaz represent but I can't help feeling that this show has become a closed shop. Isolated from reality by the gossamer skin of its own BBC bubble.
Standing a respectable distance from 'The Voice' will allow anyone to see what a mad hatters tea party it's turned into.
WILL is acting like he's on detention. Tom has started to look, weirdly, like Moe from the Simpsons. Jessie has started to look, even more weirdly, like a young Lawrence Olivier in 'The Entertainer' and if Danny puts on any more foundation he'll need straws up his nostrils to breathe through.
On stage it's just as bad.
'Cheryl' literally dived back to what she always did best- looking good and miming, but appeared to be dressed by the united colours of Benidorm and Holly has been turned into a porn version of Tinkerbell (not that the bloke on me is complaining you understand) and Reggie has decided to wear that suit often enough it qualifies him for a name change from Yates to Kray.
And what talent are we left with?
Ruth, Jaz and Max are gone. Why? Well, I suspect Ruth's step dad story had people turning off as they believed she was already a shoe-in due to her voice so a genuinely sad back story would seal the deal and make a vote for her pointless. The same for Jaz, I mean, I love the guy but I didn't even vote because... I just... Well I thought you did... Didn't you?
As for Max, try as he might to not look 'musical theatre' he couldn't control the old 'west end arm' syndrome forcing him to fling a hand out to emphasise every emotion and giving his actual talent away for the 'we want amateurs' brigade to spot.
So it's Bo, Leanna, Tyler and Vince left.
I like them all as people, let me make that clear. Even Tyler's amyholism doesn't annoy me as much anymore, although I suspect he was backstage channelling his dead friend like Derek Acorah while Vince was singing, 'back to black'... "uh uh... Yes... Thank you Amy... Yes.... Amy loves Vince! Amy loves Vince!"
As for the lost boy himself. He's clearly a really nice lad. He comes across as genuine and funny and sweet. I have nothing against him apart from his position in this competition.
That leaves Leanne and Bo. As long as one of these wins I shall be a tiny bit satisfied but that, alone, means that neither will.
I was warming to this show last week but the public have proved themselves to be the poor judges of talent they've always been and we'll end up with another Michelle Macmanus, Steve Bruckstein or Leon Jackson.
As if to prove my point, I've probably just spelt their names wrong and cant be bothered googling them but I doubt there's anyone but the people themselves out there that would notice or, worse still, care.
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